Friday, August 17, 2012

The Least of These

I've lived most of my life in fear, in one way or another.  I have anxiety issues.  I'm claustrophobic.  I feel intimidated and uncomfortable in large groups of people.  I am deathly afraid of public speaking.

I'm also a very shy person.  Timid.  It's difficult for me to meet new people.  Make friends. 

I have low self-esteem.  I've always been heavy and I am sure that has a great deal to do with it.  I'm worried about what people will think of me. 

Why am I telling you all of this? 

God has been working on my heart.  A LOT.  For quite awhile now.  And He wants me to get involved with missions.  ME?!?!?!   My life certainly has not prepared me for this!  I can't talk to strangers let alone go to a foreign country amidst a whole GROUP of strangers! 

I'm old!

I'm fat!

I have bad knees!

Ohhhhhh ...... What was that? 

HE is going to prepare me?

He's been really gentle so far - but He is ready to push me.  Am I ready to be pushed? 

He wants me to write and He wants me to work in missions. 

Wow.  That is a lot to process......

There was a prophet who spoke at my church once - and he told me similar things about 6-ish years ago.  And I scoffed.  God doesn't have big plans like that for me!  I'm not special!  I'm just a mom.  A plain, ordinary mom!!! 

Then my pastor told me once that God told him that I was supposed to do something important with music.  Maybe sing?  He wasn't exactly sure.  But he said it was music for God and the church.  Again I scoffed.  In fact, I scoffed and laughed and maybe even guffawed......because I CANNOT SING!!! 

About a year ago - I started getting nudges.  Well let me back up a little bit.  I've loved to write since I was 12.  Short stories, poetry, even a few novels.  But a LOT of people do that.  I just do it for fun as a hobby.  But then a year ago, I got ideas for song lyrics.  I started writing them down and tweaking them a bit .... and then I'd get the music in my head too.  Sometimes I'd be falling asleep and have to get up and write the words down.  It was a very strong urge.  And I'd have to sing them aloud, right?  Just to myself.  And to God.  And it took several months - but it hit me what Pastor John had told me all those years ago.  It was true.  I was writing (and even singing!) music for God. 

So I could scoff once again at this idea that I am supposed to do missions.  Then several years from now when I find myself on a plane to Mexico or Africa that "aha moment" will hit me.  The one where God says...."See?  I TOLD you so!"  

Right now He is pushing me to do a few things.   I'll blog about them as they happen.  But I am listening, and I am obeying.  I know they are things meant to push me (in small steps) outside of my comfort zone.  They are to "prepare" me for what is to come. 

If I look at my life now, I cannot fathom how I will ever be in the place (physically, mentally, & financially) to do much for missions.  But He has a plan.  And who am I to question Him??? 

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