I've lived most of my life in fear, in one way or another. I have anxiety issues. I'm claustrophobic. I feel intimidated and uncomfortable in large groups of people. I am deathly afraid of public speaking.
I'm also a very shy person. Timid. It's difficult for me to meet new people. Make friends.
I have low self-esteem. I've always been heavy and I am sure that has a great deal to do with it. I'm worried about what people will think of me.
Why am I telling you all of this?
God has been working on my heart. A LOT. For quite awhile now. And He wants me to get involved with missions. ME?!?!?! My life certainly has not prepared me for this! I can't talk to strangers let alone go to a foreign country amidst a whole GROUP of strangers!
I have bad knees!
Ohhhhhh ...... What was that?
HE is going to prepare me?
He's been really gentle so far - but He is ready to push me. Am I ready to be pushed?
He wants me to write and He wants me to work in missions.
Wow. That is a lot to process......
There was a prophet who spoke at my church once - and he told me similar things about 6-ish years ago. And I scoffed. God doesn't have big plans like that for me! I'm not special! I'm just a mom. A plain, ordinary mom!!!
Then my pastor told me once that God told him that I was supposed to do something important with music. Maybe sing? He wasn't exactly sure. But he said it was music for God and the church. Again I scoffed. In fact, I scoffed and laughed and maybe even guffawed......because I CANNOT SING!!!
About a year ago - I started getting nudges. Well let me back up a little bit. I've loved to write since I was 12. Short stories, poetry, even a few novels. But a LOT of people do that. I just do it for fun as a hobby. But then a year ago, I got ideas for song lyrics. I started writing them down and tweaking them a bit .... and then I'd get the music in my head too. Sometimes I'd be falling asleep and have to get up and write the words down. It was a very strong urge. And I'd have to sing them aloud, right? Just to myself. And to God. And it took several months - but it hit me what Pastor John had told me all those years ago. It was true. I was writing (and even singing!) music for God.
So I could scoff once again at this idea that I am supposed to do missions. Then several years from now when I find myself on a plane to Mexico or Africa that "aha moment" will hit me. The one where God says...."See? I TOLD you so!"
Right now He is pushing me to do a few things. I'll blog about them as they happen. But I am listening, and I am obeying. I know they are things meant to push me (in small steps) outside of my comfort zone. They are to "prepare" me for what is to come.
If I look at my life now, I cannot fathom how I will ever be in the place (physically, mentally, & financially) to do much for missions. But He has a plan. And who am I to question Him???