I’ve been separated from my husband for 2 months now. Divorce is in the proceedings. While my life is infinitely better and I am so much happier – I still feel that sense of guilt that I should have tried harder. (I should mention that my 3 children are not from my 2nd marriage – we had no children together)
I gave him ultimatums for 2 years. We went to counseling. We went to church. But in the end, he chose to continue the behavior that tore our marriage apart rather than give it up. My children were not happy, I was living a lie, I was a complete hypocrite. I stopped going to church because what was going on in my house was something I couldn’t share with nearly anyone.
So why am I telling you all this? I commented on another blog that I thought it was important to do some posts with a more “authentic voice”. Most of my posts are written for entertainment purposes – recipes, book reviews, memes… so once in a while I”m going to add in a post that really comes from my heart.
In really good news – I’ve lost 31 pounds! Don’t go congratulating me yet – I have a LOT more to go. But I am so proud of getting over that 30 pound mark! I’ve been sitting at the 27-lb lost mark for a month! I’ve been following Spark People and I can’t say enough how wonderful it is. If you have ANY amount to lose – 5 lbs or 300 lbs – check them out. There are groups and message boards for every age group, hobby, weight and exercise need.
So my new living arrangements are much more conducive to my weight loss. I get out and walk several times a week. My daughters are both walking a lot more too. I’m home a lot more so I get to plan the meals and eat at home most nights.
I’ve started to feel a little bit more human. I got a hair cut and color, shaved my legs, painted my toenails and even wear makeup once in a while. I can see a future. I’m enjoying my kids more. I’m more involved with their lives.
This morning my youngest asked me why I was still in bed. I told her it was my day off work and I felt like sleeping in. She told me I never stay in bed anymore – but at the old house I slept all the time. She said she had to get her own food a lot more too. (She is 10, not like she’s 3 – and she was nuking pizza – not using the oven! )
That statement is what got me to type up this post. I still hold guilt in my heart – but I KNOW I made the right decision. My kids are all happy and even though I THOUGHT I was happy before – I realize that I wasn’t. But I am now.