Do you ever have nights where you can't sleep? Tossing and turning with your mind racing to and fro? I was examing my life. 41 years old and where am I? Divorced. Job on the fritz. Living in an apartment decorated in hand-me-downs and thrift store finds. Dating someone new and not sure he's right for me. Dragging my feet on Sunday mornings going to church. Not finding joy in homeschooling like I used to. Procrastinating. I looked at all areas of my life - mother, daughter, Christian, employee, friend, future partner - and I can't find ONE area where I excel. I feel like I am holding on by my finger tips in every single area.
I finally had to recite all of the things that the Lord is to me in order to fall asleep.
The Lord is my strength.
The Lord is my hope.
The Lord is my protector.
The Lord is my creator.
The Lord is my PEACE.
The Lord is my savior.
And on and on and on listing every possible name I could come up with for Him. And you know what? It worked. I was filled with peace and I knew He heard me.
I pictured myself weeping at Jesus' knee with him touching my hair like I would do for my own child. So vulnerable. So bereft. So discouraged.
And I slept.
I can't say I woke up with all the answers. But I do have hope. I do have the peace knowing that God is with me every step of the way & He will guide me.
He knows I am trying. He knows that I don't want to give up. He knows I want to improve in all of these areas.
So that's where I am at right now. Leaning heavily on the Lord.